bridget and the winds of change

there’s a scene in Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason where Bridget chucks Mark and is then seen walking in the streets of blue London with the city breeze moving through her hair. it reminded me of the night i discovered my ex was cheating on me...

i had gotten off work at 1am and waited for the bus and rode it home from the northside to downtown. (anyone that lives in Chicago knows that last sentence is at least an hour long.) exhausted i finally arrived home at my Marina City apartment (the "corncob" buildings) and went to check my e-mail. long story short i discovered online activity by my “partner” that could mean only one thing. i began to investigate further. and yep, it was a sure thing. there was no other way to look at the explicit details. he was hooking up with people online. there was even an update that he would be visiting in North Carolina if anyone there was interested.

i felt sick.

i put my coat back on. went down the elevator and into the quiet street. i couldn’t see anything. my brain was in shock. i remember the wind felt so good on my ears which felt like they were going to explode.

anyway. when i saw Bridget Jones walking in the city wind, i was taken back to that night. there’s something about that Chicago wind that turns down the streets without a signal and embraces you when no one else can possibly comfort your mind. it drowns out the world until all you can hear is its resilience. then it picks you up and you feel as if you could let it carry you at its will to the next place.

that night as i walked around Chicago's Gold Coast neighborhood until the wind brought the sun, i learned to listen. the wind told me so much. it told me things were going to be all right. it told me a chapter was concluding, and another was poised on the next page ready to reveal its events. but in no way is it the end of the story. it told me i was going to have to do things that were going to be difficult and things that were going to be unpleasant. it would be one of those moments i never relish where your going to have to be mature and make adult decisions.

the next two weeks were the hardest of that life. i couldn’t look him in the eye. i couldn’t say his name. i felt scared and empty as i faked my way through kisses and dinners. but i had to secretly plan to go. i knew that as soon as he knew i was going to leave, he would kick me to the street. you see, he had met secretly with our landlord so he could renew the lease on his own and have the power. he was that kind of person.

and he did.

when i did have the conversation with him that ended our six years together, it was sweet relief. there was nothing he could do to keep me. he tried
but
i had already made the firm decision in my head.
i had no commitment to our landlord.
i had a place to go.
i was free.

finally.

that night that i walked around Gold Coast until five in the morning with no other but the wind, i took a deep breath
for the first time
in a very long time.