inauguration tea

Yesterday, on Inauguration Day, I went for my daily iced green tea. I was greeted with this inauguration address quote:

“My fellow citizens, our nation is poised for greatness. We must do what we know is right and do it with all our might. Let history say of us, “These were golden years – when the American Revolution was reborn, when freedom gained new life, when America reached for her best.”

It seems full of hope. Can you guess who spoke these words?






Ronald Reagan Inaugural Address on January 21, 1985

sophophobia

...and that’s when i realized it. my whole life i have been afraid. and i’ve let it control me. not just in the normal way of everyday self-protective fear,
but real, actual, paralyzing

Fear.









I had another reminder recently of how I let the fear control me. My Freddy and I were walking in Tempe. We had been looking forward to seeing The Lion King. It was going to be a fun night. Before the show we wanted to get something to eat. So we walked from ASU Gammage parking lot to the area with restaurants. As we were crossing Mill Ave to go to P.F.Chang’s we met a group of folks walking toward us in the cross walk. As they passed, a male in the group said, “Fags.”

My heart stopped. The familiar coldness of panic fell across my skin causing my hair to stand and my throat to lock. My usual witty defenses failed me. I stared straight ahead. “Just keep walking,” I told Self. I couldn’t look at Fred. I couldn’t let him see my frailty. I cursed my vanity that led me to wear this beautiful orange scarf. I wanted to put it in the closest trashcan. “Its not that fucking cold you stupid ass.”

We walked along a little further in silence. I tried to reach for Freddy’s hand but my body wouldn’t allow it.

Then I felt a new temperature rise in the previously frozen body.
Anger.
and I let it fly
right there on Mill Ave.

I cursed the day I compromised and patronized a Fucking Red State! I said I never would after eight years of Bush. I cursed the state of Arizona. This wasn’t the first time we had heard this word here. The last time it was the parking lot at Sprouts. I cursed the inhabitants of Phoenix. I cursed their racism and bigotry. I cursed the elitists. I cursed their obsession with retail. Retail does not equal culture. Therefore Phoenix has no culture. The place is just one giant mall, a very dry mall. I hate malls.
I started making plans to get out.

I was mad at Self for being afraid and hurting others I care about. I have to find a way to never let it happen again.




The better side of epiphany:

I went skydiving a couple times with my brother in 2007. It took a lot of talk from my brother who is a genius at talking anyone into anything in a very practical manner. It seemed an innocent conversation about facing fears and not letting them control your ability to experience new things. We were talking figuratively. I am a genius at talking about the hypothetical. I did not realize I would be called upon to back up my beliefs with action. If I had, the conversation would have gone quite differently I assure you.

Instead, I am now on an extremely noisy plane that is struggling against the force of the straight up incline to the sky.

What I was most aware of was being free. It wasn’t that I was 15,000 ft. above the earth, although that definitely was a big part of it. More than that, I was free of myself. I had head tripped myself into jumping from a plane! It meant letting go of the fear, of every reason that something could go wrong, & of control. A freedom came from having no attachments, from having nothing to lose.

I let go and plummeted to the earth at 120 mph. I took the instructor’s advice and enjoyed the view. Not many people get to see this amazing earth from this angle. I only got to see it because I made Fear my bitch. I starred it in the eye, acknowledged it, and (with encouragement from my best friend) jumped.

I would not have had this unforgettable experience if I had let fear determine what I do.


So
As of right now, I’m putting the rest of Fear on notice. You’ve been acknowledged. I know who you are. I’ll recognize your freeze when I feel it.
Then,
one at a time, I will pass you. I will leave you at the rear:
fear of dying
fear of hell
fear of social stigma
fear of heights
fear that people can read my thoughts
fear of being beaten
fear of losing friendships
fear of sleeping
fear of not being good enough
fear of failure
fear of being ordinary
fear of losing my love
fear of being cheated on
fear of being a pariah
fear of being a monster
fear of letting people down
fear of not being liked
fear of showing I’m crazy
fear of being creatively imperfect






“...a life lived in fear is a life half lived...”
Fran in Baz Luhrman’s Strictly Ballroom

gold for the price of silver

"If it takes control of your body and soul, embrace it. If it makes you cry or leaves you wondering why, don't turn around, face it. But do you turn cold if they promised you gold for the price of silver. If it's chemically made by people you hate, pinch your arm, see if you're still there."

i heard this song at work and really liked the sound. then i went home and looked up the lyrics as i always do. that's when i fell in love with it.

the 1st two lines seem to speak to a philosophy of living that i used to be much better at putting into practice. it's simply being fearless and the hardest principle to walk.

at the same time you have to stick to your principles as the next two lines say. don't be a sucker for something that's too good to be true. and don't make deals that compromise your ideals.

if you can figure out how to balance these, fearlessness and principles, let me know how. i'm open to suggestions.


the song continues
"...let's go and watch the sun rise. Let your heart run along to the rhythm of your song. Everything you want is what I got to give you. You just have to let yourself come with me now. Everything you want is what I got to give you. There's no time to hesitate, come with me now. Let's go and watch the sun rise over London bridge or the Golden Gate..."





"Gold for the Price of Silver" from the album Versus by Kings of Convenience

las madres

My good friend Nick let me borrow a movie he's been telling me about since I met him. The movie is Spanglish. It's so cute and so funny.

Towards the end of the film Deborah (Téa Leoni) tries to blame her mother (Cloris Leachman) for her marital problems and the reason she is having an affair. To which her mother replies, "Lately honey, your low self-esteem is just good common sense."

You see, maybe the daughter has had some influences that sent her down a not-so-positive way of living and thinking. However, one must still take responsibility for one's own actions.

Sometimes you have to be shown how awful you are and what you're going to lose in order to realize the necessity of change.

Hopefully it won't be too late.



still blaming her mother...
"Deborah: You were an alcoholic and wildly promiscuous woman during my formative years so that I'm in this fix because of you, it is your fault and I just needed that moment for us to build on.
Evelyn: You have a solid point dear... but right now the lessons of my life are coming in handy for you."


Spanglish is really a look at three very different mother-daughter relationships. Mothers influence daughters who grow to become mothers who influence daughters. It's a cycle that continues until the right mother is able to have strength enough to teach her daughter what"s really important in life.

fear of sleep

i can’t sleep!!!
i’ve tried everything...
-caffeine
-television
-loud music
-exercise
-freaking out about the future
-worrying about career
-regretting the past

nothing works. just can’t seem to do the sleep thing tonight:


“paranoid, you have no idea.
listen to all the voices and tell me what you hear. is it right or wrong just to sit and wait? you push your body to the knife but it feels as if you hesitate.

gotta get away lover, just a place to crawl away. is this a love or just a fear? what if there were traces shots of different faces follow me...

i keep you close enough to know that i am never alone. i disappear within the night though i act as if i'm coming home. are we just creatures of the night running to the light? so what if it turns us on? is it right or wrong?

is it right or wrong?

gotta get away...
love is a word we abuse with the things we say. time keeps a changing the rules to the games we play. dreams that awaken the fear that we're left in doubt. tears that come rolling and rolling and rolling down...

you wanted it all
you wanted it all
what keeps me broken in this world?


...if i fall asleep tonight will it all remain the same?”





"Fear of Sleep" by The Magic Numbers from Undecided EP

McBoyToys... rrrrowr

ran across this picture on one of my favorite blogs consumerist.com in a post called Unhappy Meals:



you should check out this site. i love it. it's a place to vent all your customer service issues. (or make you happy that the only thing that happened to you at Home Depot was the surly service desk clerk) they even have a handy guide to fighting back once you've been wronged in the consumer unfriendly world... and you will be!

enjoy

random iPod moment #42

took a right to the end of the line where no one ever goes. ended up on a broken train with nobody I know. but the pain and the longing's the same. where the dying now i’m lost and i’m screaming for help.
there is an answer to the darkest times. it’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind is to leave you. i believe that we’re in this together. don’t scream – there are so many roads left...

relax, take it easy...

"Relax, Take it Easy" from the disc Life in Cartoon Motion by Mika