sometimes its just great to be away. and not necessarily away from any one person or thing. but just away. really! try it. the best cure for the rat race ritual rut is simply to change.
i know it’s scary! but try it.
i recently had a conversation with my brother on the subject of just how scary change is. even potentially beneficial change is met with trepidation. it’s all questions with very little answers. who will i become? where will this lead? will i miss the familiar? will the risk of change pan out to something good for me? will i be asked to do something i can’t handle?
my brother says he too fears change of any kind. yet we both came to the same conclusion that being able to advance means being able to be the one who enacts the change.
but today i realized that change can be as easy as a direction of thought. change your mind. that’s why i’m advocating the earlier said “away.” away does wonders for your eyes, your mind, and as a result, your soul.
today’s “away” came to me in the form of a flight from Denver to Memphis. maybe not the exotic location you were just imagining. but it is away. and from 33,000 ft nothing on earth can touch you. and therefore can’t possible matter.
i’m away.
it maybe the flight of beers i had at the Left Hand Brewery in Denver with Lindsay, but i feel good. i’m so addicted to travel. i want to go everywhere, do and see everything. no experience is out of question.
it was great to see Lindsay also. haven’t see her since Love Parade last September in San Fransico. i told her i’m already counting the days until the next one. “is it too soon for that?” i asked. she said she started counting the day we left. right then we decided we’d cut the wait time by making a pilgrimage to Napa in the spring. that may tie us over for a little while?
see? i’m already planning the next “away.” good times.
was a little disappointed with Memphis. only because Graceland is closed for the entire month of February! what’s up with that? i was so ready to blog about seeing “the ghost of Elvis!” without a car i was most definitely “walking in memphis,” however.
so i worked in that line anyway.
but i began this saying that it’s not always about the destination or the activity. it was awesome to be away. to just be with the man who i know loves me.
and get that breath of different air. and regroup.
i haven't posted in nearly a month and a half. i have been taking a moment of silence for a fellow blogger. i can't get into the story, but maybe someday i can. a blogging friend of mine had to take down his blog because of some very ignorant people who wanted to exploit his postings. and still wish him harm. so in remembrance of the death of a blog which i and many other folks enjoyed, i took some time off. not sure i really feel like blogging again. and i feel a little unprotected by the fine folks at google. however, i keep thinking of things that i want to say. as a writer i will always have the need to express and communicate. so look for something soon? ...
How can I possibly write a post about seeing Tori Amos on tour and do it justice? There's no way I can say enough! Nevertheless, this is going to be a marathon post. Are you ready? Here we go:
Last Wednesday, Freddy and I went out to San Diego. This trip had been planned for months and I thought it was never going to be time. He surprised me with tickets to see Tori. So the wait for December 12th began.
I hadn’t been in the San Diego airport since January of 1994. I didn’t remember it at all. What I do remember is how my parents told me my life would be ruined if I went to California on that trip. I was willing to take that chance. They were right. California got stuck in my brain and I have been trying to go back as often as I can.
After we arrived and checked into our hotel, we decided to take a look around the “old town” area. We saw some really neat looking houses.
Walking around the funny little street with all the tourist trinket shops we ran into a Mexican restaurant called “FRED’s” I was so excited. We HAD to eat here! So we had a couple margaritas and quesadillas and brought home a souvenir glass! I love it!
The show that night was amazing in so many ways. Anticipation proved to be too much for me. Unable to stay in my seat, I went to the front to check out the stage and Tori’s Bösendorfer piano.
This guy opened for Tori. His name is Yoav. I think. He said his name 42 times, but I never understood it. He was really cool actually. Everyone really seemed to enjoy him. Loved the British accent. Maybe I'm an Anglophile like Tori?
There was a brief wait. Then the lights went down again. Everyone screamed. I was holding my breath scanning the stage to see which of the Dolls would be coming out tonight. (if you’re STILL not caught up on who the Dolls are, see my previous Tori post.)
Then someone in the balcony screamed. The curtain parted and Santa came out and danced around the stage as the band played.
She open into Body and Soul. After She’s Your Cocaine she took a break to pour mojitos to the band.
Next Hoochie Woman and Raspberry Swirl, and then Santa was gone. Wait. Gone? No! Come back! Santa only did four songs.
After a brief break the curtain parted again! I was expecting to see Tori, but I was shocked to see Isobel! I assumed from the crazy cheers that went up that the rest of the people were shocked as well. San Diego was the only time on the entire tour that there was more than one of the Dolls in a show.
Isobel open with Yo George. The lighting was amazing all night and Yo George was one of my favorites. It looked like an abstract American flag. It was perfect for that song.
Isobel also did Mountain, Tombigbee, and Scarlett’s Walk.
Then there was the Professional Widow (remix) intermission. It was so much fun.
After the break Tori came back to Big Wheel, Cornflake Girl, and the Doughnut Song.
The band took a break and left for the T & Bö section. It was so amazing! Tori gets so much out of a piano. Her passion and energy is very addicting.
She did a little improvisation then launched into Twinkle and an unscheduled (!) Leather. I LOVE that song! I especially get a huge kick out watching Tori perform it. “...if love isn’t forever and its not the weather, hand me my leather...” The expression she gets is so cute.
The band returned and continued with Your Cloud, one of my favorites from the Scarlett’s Walk album. I think I nearly squeezed Freddy’s arm off at this point (sorry Freddy). I cried through the whole song. It’s a song about separation and how it seems impossible to do so from the love of your life. “...if the rain has to separate from itself does it say ‘pick out your cloud?’...”
Next was Virginia.
Tori ended every show on her tour with Code Red. This time, though, things went a little differently. All night there were these two women who kept wandering around the floor. They were getting drinks and chatting with each other like they were in a coffee house or something. I don’t know if this is true but someone said that when they found their way to a couple seats in the front row one of them was on her mobile chatting away. Well, it proved to be too much for Tori...
(watch the whole thing. it is an amazing performance. but especially up to two and a half minutes in.)
She kicked their asses out of the theater! It was amazing!!!! Everyone went crazy! Tori began again where she left off with a newfound i'm-not-gonna-take-it passion. Code Red was such a perfect song for this! "...what you stole i would have given freely..."
Immediately after, everyone rushed the stage to be in the front with the “people who like music!” The first encore was Precious Things and Bliss. Both are top Tori songs to me! Second (!) encore was Space Dog and Hey Jupiter. (No. I don't know whose hand that is.)
Here’s the set list that didn’t play out exactly as planned. I loved the show we got for sure!
The night was pure magic. Freddy said I didn't stop grinning the whole time. Not ready for it to end, we went outside to wait to see if Tori would come out and say “hi.” I’m not really an autograph person, but I just want to be near Tori and say “hi back” and hear her talk to every one.
Poor Freddy waited with me in the cold for 2 hours! (Love you so much Freddy!)
I think because of earlier incident Tori didn’t relish a confrontation with the booted women. So when she did come out, she made a beeline for her bus. Honestly, I don’t blame her. Plus it was very cold that night. We did get to meet and chat with some other rabid Tori fans. That was fun.
I can’t believe her tour has come to an end. It was a really incredible show. If I could have, I totally would follow her around the countries.
I’m starting to get into the holiday spirit. You know, the fear that years are passing you by while you blink, worry that next year will be the same, and paralyzing depression. I thought that maybe I would feel better after shaving, showering, and getting out of the house. I’ve been trying to see the sun at least once a day.
So I was out running an errand for my brother at Borders, and I may have stumbled across the cure for this holiday spirit. I was in the Paradise Valley Mall (PV Mall to the locals), so I thought I might as well stop in “Puppies ‘n’ Love.” It won’t hurt just to look.
I wandered around awhile looking at all the things you can get for your dog. That’s when I realized that this “all things dog” store had 200 different styles of leash and harness, but nowhere in sight was dog food. And there were x-mas ornaments with your dog’s picture, but no “accident” cleaning supplies. They have enough doggy clothing to fill a trunk and play dress-up for days (let me tell you, this is where I get suckered into it). Yet somehow when ordering inventory for the store, someone neglected to put those little bags you use to pick up poop on your 5 daily walks on the list. hmmm...
That’s when I realized that is how they get you. They show you all the fun stuff, and none of the responsibilities. So when you get to the $2000 (correction: in interest of fair reporting, the Chihuahua was $1999) adoption fee for your little bundle of joy, it seems worth it.
And why does a living being come with a 2 to 4 year warranty? There’s something disturbing about that to me.
Anyway. The cure: I really did have a great time seeing the puppies. It was like being at the zoo. Their frolicking and barking made me smile. The best part though? I don’t have to clean up. If one of these doggies makes a mess, I can simply leave the store. Nice, huh?
I stood there trying not to grin too much as the little Chihuahua tried to eat his cage mate, and overheard several mothers in the store with their children. Their conversations with the kids were so amusing.
I overheard one say, “I love the Shit-tzu.” Then her son said, “Mom, you already have a Shit-tzu.” To which she whined, “I know, but I want it!”
Then I heard a young girl ask her mom, “What kind is that? It’s soooo cute!” “The sign says it’s a puh-pill-lun.” I shuttered involuntarily. “What’s that?” “I think it’s a cross between a Pomeranian and something,” the mother surmised. I tried not to judge. It wasn’t that long ago that I didn’t know that breed either. I resisted the urge to correct her. But in my head I became Wikipedia.com’s page on Papillon. It’s actually pronounced paw-pee-yon which is the French word for butterfly (and nasal it up! this is French, okay? not Freedom Fries day at the White House). This breed got its name from the way the adult’s ears and face resemble a butterfly.
In her defense, Pomeranian is a great guess for this fuzzy looking puppy! awwww! And with all these designer breeds these days, who knows what they’re gonna cross next.
As depressed as I may get, it’s good to know I haven’t lost the time-honored tradition of looking down on the common folk. Oh look! I really am in the holiday spirit!
I woke this morning thinking, “I need to buy deodorant.” Well, not so much thinking, as smelling. But either way I was all out. So I was on my way to the bright red circle in the sky. (Target for all you regular folks not living in my fantasy.)
On the way, I ran into some pretty lights that made me feel like I had driven into one of those Corona commercials. It’s beginning to look a lot like Feliz Navidad! love it! (I took these pictures on my mobile while driving. so give me a break on the quality alright.)
Anyway. I picked up my favorite flavor of deodorant and then wandered around the rest of the store awhile. I went to check out the electronics section. I always inexplicably end up there for some reason.
I resisted buying Invasion of the Body Snatchers (only $9.44!! I know! I should have gotten it.) and checked out Target’s price for Super Mario Galaxy for Wii (ouchy!).
As I was leaving the area to go check out, I crossed paths with two very young boys. Their conversation went something like this:
stripped shirt: Where’s your mom? blondie: I don’t know. But if she’s not going to stay in one place, I’m not going to carry around this chick flick “Hairspray” any more! (throws the dvd onto the nearest shelf)
And that’s very close to a word-for-word quote. So much anger from a boy around seven years old! I wondered to myself where he learned to say “chick flick” with so much disdain at such a young age. I bet his dad is a wonderful, loving man. Either that or here’s a 7year old who is desperately trying to hide a secret.
It started when I was walking into the bedroom. Suddenly I hear the one sound that strikes more fear into my heart than any other sound I have heard recently.
“hmgggh. hmmggngh. hmngggkggh. ckk ckck hmckkk”
A chill went up my spine. Then down again. I look under the bed and there’s The Cat (Herman) preparing to hack something up. “omg!” I’m yelling, “GET OUT of there!” I yank the bed out to grab him.
Too late. There’s already a yellow and brown puddle with flecks of greenery. I can still recognize the food he was begging me for not an hour earlier. It’s no wonder he’s barfy! I don’t think he ever chews. And that smell! I turn away making a similar gagging noise of my own.
Then I see him running away. Not wanting him to create a secondary crime scene, I follow. He runs into the kitchen.... “NO! Don’t go in there!” Before I can grab him, he is in the cabinet (He can open the cabinets. It’s his favorite hiding place.). I open the door to make sure he’s not barfing in there.
“Hissssssss” This sound I’m totally used to. It doesn’t startle me anymore. It has now become The Cat’s standard greeting for me. Then the screaming... Have you ever heard a cat scream like a child being poked with needles? I have video if you’d like to.
Now this particular cabinet is not shallow. It’s more than half of my body length deep. And I’m over six feet tall. I really don’t want to have to get inside it to clean up after sick cat. Again. So I wrap a towel (for the biting) around my arm and reach in. A few attempts and a few scrapes later, I finally pull him out.
Then I recognize another smell. It is distinctive to this particular animal. If you smell it you will never say, “Is there an elephant around? Cows? a dog perhaps?” No (though you may wish it was one of the above) that is the distinctive smell of cat poop!
“oh god oh god ohgodohgod...” The Cat, the towel, and anything in between is covered in poop. Still holding onto The Cat, I check my person. Nothing on me. Okay... OMG! There’s some on my exposed finger!
I start to hum to myself to distract myself from hurling. It’s the same way I used hum when doing my paper route at 5am in Wisconsin in the dark to keep from getting scared. “hm hmm hm hmm hm hmhm hm hm hmhmhmhmhm...”
I take The Cat into the bathroom with outstretched arms, watching for drips. I set him in the tub and close the door behind me and run to the sink to scrub like I’ve never scrubbed before. Then I return to the bathroom where The Cat is now out of the tub running around. Aaaargh!
“You brought this on yourself kitty.”
He was surprisingly quiet. Went like a real trooper. He accepted his fate like a brave solider. But I guess he was probably just as happy as I to be poop free. And he didn’t make a peep through the entire bath. Yes, I gave The Cat a bath. And he squirmed a little and tried to get out. But overall he was silent the whole time.
Having him cleaned, I put him in the laundry room by his liter and water. I put on rubber cleaning gloves and entered the kitchen. Peering inside the cabinet, I suddenly realize I’m going to have to crawl in there to clean it.
I start to hum again. And I was tempted to leave it for Freddy. The Cat, after all, is his animal. Then I remember he won’t be home until Tuesday. It can’t stay there that long. damn.
More humming... That’s when I realized what I was humming. “...mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord... He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored... He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword... His truth is marching on... glory glory hallelujah...” The Battle Hymn of the Republic? I spent the rest of the clean up inside the pretty place in my head. Distracted by the task of trying to remember all the lyrics. It really is strange what your mind will bring up in times of stress or discomfort. weird.
After showering in hydrogen peroxide, I treated myself to cheese and olives dipped in sour cream and hot sauce. I deserved it.
so i just realized that it has been a month (!) since my last post. it’s funny (ironic?) that my last post was “then i sat down and started writing...” the thing is that i really did do just that. i have been writing, just not to this blog. i’ve had things i wanted to write, but didn’t sit down and take the time. i have been too busy writing to write.
i’ve also been buried deep within my own head. so far in i can’t see straight. it’s really hard to believe in your goals and yourself allthe time. it’s even harder when those who are suppose to be “near-and-dear” tell you that you won’t make it.
just last night someone said to me, “so if you never get to do this thing that you want to do, what else do you want to do?” translation: what’s your back-up? ‘cause you ain’t makin’ it! my answer was nothing. i believe that having a back-up is setting yourself up to quit or fail. and i’ve done that back-up thing too long.nowis the time to just do it.
as yoda famously said: “there is no try. only do or do not.”
then, after telling another friend what i’m doing in the pursuit of my goals, this friend starts telling me to go back to school and get another degree! aghast, i replied, “i still owe a mountain of money for my last degree!” and just because it may be a more practical vocation does not make it something i want to do. in fact, the practicality of it is what turns me off about it.
and then there’s the issue of certain family who don’t understand why i don’t want to move to north carolina, video-tape weddings and make wedding cakes (even though they will never be supportive of my people getting married), or find a meaningless job at a soulless corporation just to live. that’s not living. that’s passing time waiting to die.
there is no way i could hate any of these people though. in their ways, they all just want what they think is the best for me.
but i have come to realize one thing. really i’m realizing it again. it’s something that is always preached. and its something that i’ve always known. but suddenly i’m taking in the full meaning of it.
i am the only one who knows my path. i am the only one who can accomplish my goals. i am the only one with the will power to take action. i am the only one that will help me. i am the only one who can believe in me. i am the only one who knowsthat i’m going to get there.
everyone else has their own issues, their own problems, their own motivations, their own success, and their own life to worry about.
there's one thing that stuck out and made today special. it stayed in my head (despite the adult ADD) long enough for me to get home and put it on this page.
read it.
cherish it.
this stuff is gold.
the best cure for the rat race ritual rut is simply to change.
