inauguration tea

Yesterday, on Inauguration Day, I went for my daily iced green tea. I was greeted with this inauguration address quote:

“My fellow citizens, our nation is poised for greatness. We must do what we know is right and do it with all our might. Let history say of us, “These were golden years – when the American Revolution was reborn, when freedom gained new life, when America reached for her best.”

It seems full of hope. Can you guess who spoke these words?






Ronald Reagan Inaugural Address on January 21, 1985

sophophobia

...and that’s when i realized it. my whole life i have been afraid. and i’ve let it control me. not just in the normal way of everyday self-protective fear,
but real, actual, paralyzing

Fear.









I had another reminder recently of how I let the fear control me. My Freddy and I were walking in Tempe. We had been looking forward to seeing The Lion King. It was going to be a fun night. Before the show we wanted to get something to eat. So we walked from ASU Gammage parking lot to the area with restaurants. As we were crossing Mill Ave to go to P.F.Chang’s we met a group of folks walking toward us in the cross walk. As they passed, a male in the group said, “Fags.”

My heart stopped. The familiar coldness of panic fell across my skin causing my hair to stand and my throat to lock. My usual witty defenses failed me. I stared straight ahead. “Just keep walking,” I told Self. I couldn’t look at Fred. I couldn’t let him see my frailty. I cursed my vanity that led me to wear this beautiful orange scarf. I wanted to put it in the closest trashcan. “Its not that fucking cold you stupid ass.”

We walked along a little further in silence. I tried to reach for Freddy’s hand but my body wouldn’t allow it.

Then I felt a new temperature rise in the previously frozen body.
Anger.
and I let it fly
right there on Mill Ave.

I cursed the day I compromised and patronized a Fucking Red State! I said I never would after eight years of Bush. I cursed the state of Arizona. This wasn’t the first time we had heard this word here. The last time it was the parking lot at Sprouts. I cursed the inhabitants of Phoenix. I cursed their racism and bigotry. I cursed the elitists. I cursed their obsession with retail. Retail does not equal culture. Therefore Phoenix has no culture. The place is just one giant mall, a very dry mall. I hate malls.
I started making plans to get out.

I was mad at Self for being afraid and hurting others I care about. I have to find a way to never let it happen again.




The better side of epiphany:

I went skydiving a couple times with my brother in 2007. It took a lot of talk from my brother who is a genius at talking anyone into anything in a very practical manner. It seemed an innocent conversation about facing fears and not letting them control your ability to experience new things. We were talking figuratively. I am a genius at talking about the hypothetical. I did not realize I would be called upon to back up my beliefs with action. If I had, the conversation would have gone quite differently I assure you.

Instead, I am now on an extremely noisy plane that is struggling against the force of the straight up incline to the sky.

What I was most aware of was being free. It wasn’t that I was 15,000 ft. above the earth, although that definitely was a big part of it. More than that, I was free of myself. I had head tripped myself into jumping from a plane! It meant letting go of the fear, of every reason that something could go wrong, & of control. A freedom came from having no attachments, from having nothing to lose.

I let go and plummeted to the earth at 120 mph. I took the instructor’s advice and enjoyed the view. Not many people get to see this amazing earth from this angle. I only got to see it because I made Fear my bitch. I starred it in the eye, acknowledged it, and (with encouragement from my best friend) jumped.

I would not have had this unforgettable experience if I had let fear determine what I do.


So
As of right now, I’m putting the rest of Fear on notice. You’ve been acknowledged. I know who you are. I’ll recognize your freeze when I feel it.
Then,
one at a time, I will pass you. I will leave you at the rear:
fear of dying
fear of hell
fear of social stigma
fear of heights
fear that people can read my thoughts
fear of being beaten
fear of losing friendships
fear of sleeping
fear of not being good enough
fear of failure
fear of being ordinary
fear of losing my love
fear of being cheated on
fear of being a pariah
fear of being a monster
fear of letting people down
fear of not being liked
fear of showing I’m crazy
fear of being creatively imperfect






“...a life lived in fear is a life half lived...”
Fran in Baz Luhrman’s Strictly Ballroom